"Day By Day" - Godspell

Being in the hospital, I am not more religious than I was before, but that I am definitely turning to my religion for support and prayer during this uncertain time. Even though I am in the safest place possible at this point, there are still so many things that can go wrong...specifically, the twins being born too soon. For almost a month now, my doctor has been able to stop the preterm labor from advancing with the cerclage procedure, anti-contraction medication, and me lying in the Trendelenburg position for about 23.5 hours a day. My biggest concern and fear is not knowing how long all of these interventions will last and can only hope that I make it to 37 weeks (full term for twins). Of course if the twins are born sooner, there is still a good chance of survival but I would hate for the babies to start their lives in the NICU with tubes and breathing machines connected to them. I know I should not think about these kind of things and stay positive, but I do need to mentally prepare myself for this possibility and not be caught off-guard if complications arise. Even so, I am still turning to prayer in order to try to prevent any negative outcomes. I have the hospital chaplain come visit me on a weekly basis to help me with the prayers and to talk to me about my feelings regarding my fears. This has been very helpful and it actually brings back a surprisingly nice memory of when my mom was in the hospital. I arranged to have a local Rabbi come visit her to recite the Mi Sheberach prayer which is the Jewish prayer for healing. She was so happy to have this prayer said to her but then she could not remember the name of the prayer afterwards once he left. My mom kept on calling it the "Mushy Bushy" which brought a little bit of humor and joy during such a sad time. Now I am the one asking for the Mi Sheberach to be recited to me, while under my breath pronouncing it "Mushy Bushy" in honor of my mom. :)

In addition to the prayers, I have been receiving a Shabbat kit every Friday when the chaplain comes to visit which includes challah bread, grape juice, and electric candles (so that the hospital doesn't get burned down). Prior to arriving in the hospital when I was living my busy life, I would rarely celebrate Shabbat at home and only attended services sporadically throughout the year. I am not that religious to begin with, but I do try to uphold traditions and holidays as much as possible. Now every Friday, I am performing my own little Shabbat ceremony since I finally have the time to do so. Shabbat is a time of rest and reflection which is difficult to fully participate in when your mind is constantly trying to remember what needs to be accomplished over the weekend. I guess taking part completely in the true meaning of Shabbat with no distractions is just another bed rest perk! Hopefully God notices this and gives me some much needed brownie points.

*The song "Day By Day" is from the 1971 Off-Broadway musical Godspellwhich later made its way to Broadway in 1976 (currently, there is a new revival on Broadway now). The song's main message about God is to "see thee more clearly, love thee more dearly, follow thee more nearly" which I feel like I have been doing since the start of this bed rest predicament because I need all of the spiritual help I can get. Turning to prayer is the one thing that is really helping me focus on positive thinking while trying to silence the worried "what ifs" in my head. The song title itself is very fitting for my situation as well because I am constantly just counting down the days until that 37 week mark which I do hope I make it to (or very close at least). I have a calendar that is hanging in my room where I mark an X on each day as it passes. I have been here a total of 26 days so far, hopefully I have 98 more to go. Day by day by day by day...

My Shabbat kit

Counting down the days

"Defying Gravity" - Wicked

After my first night at the hospital the initial shock faded and my brain was ready to process what was going on. I barely got any sleep and was constantly being woken up for medications, IV maintenance, and checking for contractions. In the quiet hours of the night when I was trying to fall back asleep, I started to think about what my late mother would say if she were there with me in the hospital. She would say "you are exactly where you are supposed to be" or "everything happens for a reason" or "focus on the things that are going right, not wrong." She truly believed in fate and it made me start thinking about how lucky and blessed I was. Thank God that my doctor caught this issue when he did! If he didn't or if I was on vacation with my ticking time bomb of a cervix, I would have been destroyed emotionally if I lost the twins. With my new positive focus I had to get on the phone and computer and inform my loved ones about what was going on because I was going to need all of the prayers and support I could get...especially since the one person who I needed most, was only able to be here with me spiritually and not physically. I loved being able to connect with a bunch of family and friends and it definitely made me feel less isolated because many people want to come visit. Now that I was getting on-board with the idea of what bed rest would entail, I began to learn about what my new daily routine would consist of. The first action plan for "Operation Keep Babies Inside" was to put me in the Trendelenburg position where my bed was kept at a slant (feet up, head down) to get the pressure off of the cervix. Since arriving at the hospital, I was being monitored for contractions and given drugs to stop them. The next big step was to have a surgical procedure called a cerclage in order to stitch the cervix closed throughout the duration of the pregnancy. I was scheduled for the procedure on Christmas Eve so I had a few days in between where I had to be extremely careful so that meant staying in bed constantly and only getting up to go to the bathroom. Everything else had to be done in bed (brushing my teeth, sponge baths, etc). It is really hard to give up my freedom but my eye was now on the prize...or prizes.

*For those of you living under a rock...the song "Defying Gravity" is from the 2003 Broadway musical Wickedand it bleeds girl power. Again, for the rock dwellers, the song comes at a pivotal moment in the show where Elphaba (the wicked witch) realizes that she has to go out on her own, become independent, and literally fly free. Ironically, the night that I found out I was being admitted to the hospital, I was actually wearing my green Wicked shirt which says "Defying Gravity." Little did I know that my twins and body were doing the exact opposite of that phrase which is what caused the whole problem in the first place! Now at the hospital, we are at war with gravity as we fight to keep the babies safe while I lie in bed in my slanted position getting a constant head rush. Other than the irony of the situation, this song spoke to me by telling me it was okay to give up the expectations and accept what was happening to me with vigor and focus. Even though my babies are being brought down by gravity, I refuse to be and I will do everything in my power to keep them alive. No wizard that there is or was is ever going to bring me down!

Moments before we got the bad news...ironically wearing my Defying Gravity shirt